[Axel is red-eyed, ready to start crying again at any moment, and has been sitting around his room with the lights out eating ice cream. Just so you know.]

Haruko whyyyyyy


So, uh cast... the, uh, the playwright is gone now... so we've got the final draft now and we're just gonna have to push forward. The show [sharp, almost out-of-control intake of breath] must go on!

Everybody get together and decide when opening night should be without me. I have some... some business to attend to... [sniff]

Well, that was weird.

So, hey, uh, if everybody's their own age again, let's reschedule dress rehearsal to tomorrow! The show must go on! Hahaha!


Worst future ever... I think I'm gonna cry...

I remember this filthy little ghost town! Mementenenmo Island! I said I refused to work here again! Director! Come get me out of this dump! DIRECTOR!

You cretins can't hold me up here! I'm still important! I'm a star!

I'm Axel, the *coughing fit* Da-ark... *HACK* Hero! *choke*

I said let me go! I've got Netherwood business to attend to! I've got to change costumes every hour on the hour! NO WIRE HANGERS!

So it seems like

A CRIMINAL

is on the loose!

Never fear, Mentememeno Islanders! This falls under the rare pro-justice jurisdiction of

Axel, the Dark Hero!

--or, as you might know me for the next few days,

Axel, the Dark Detective!

I'll use my demonic super-sleuthing skills to track down the murderer in no time! No worries, though, fans. I've brilliantly deduced that the killer's modus operandi involves sneaking--and nobody outsneaks Axel the Dark Hero and/or Detective! I've got this in the bag--middle school, my dear Seiben! Er, Simon!

ALRIGHT! It's time for an activity boost from yours truly: Axel, the Dark Hero!

Now, what better way to put myself back on the map than to take advantage of the "sticky situation?" Hahaha, did you get that? Comedy may be the lowest form of art--aside from video games, anyway--but I guess that just means it comes that much easier!

Alright, Mentememo Eden. Who wants to get stuck to the Dark Hero?

Hey, everyone! Guess what I totally just didn't remember! It wasn't not kidnapping people who weren't anyone's brother and sister! Except not!

So just for the record, I remembered that not happening. The thing I may or may not have gotten the crap beaten out of me for a while ago. Didn't happen. Funny, huh? Hahahahahaha!

If that was all a dream, why am I stil bleeding? Stupid wolf... why didn't anyone help me?

You regular heroes suck... so much... o-o-o-ow-owwwwwwwwww

Hey, Adell! You assaulted me back on your quaint little planet thing while I was minding my own business, filming a travel show! Starring me! AXEL, THE DARK HERO! I demand compensation for the injuries and public humilia--


ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF


OH GOD IT'S COLD


AND I'M EXPOSED


[dashing for apartments behind cover]


[[I mentioned, though I believe only somewhere in the pilgrims' post, that Axel plucked a golden turkey entirely and also made a complete outfit out of nothing but its feathers and started wearing it around. The golden turkeys disappeared yesterday, to which this is backlogged... yeah.

2% on his first beating by Adell, but not what happened afterwards.]]

Ha. Hahahaha! While everyone else is preoccupied doing the dirty work and catching whole turkeys, Axel, the Dark Hero can collect hundreds of more manageable trophies!

I'm so devious, it hurts sometimes!


[[He's running around plucking the biggest, center tailfeather off every turkey he can get at, and probably spooking them quite a bit.]]

Good doggies... niiiice doggies... you wouldn't eat little old me, would you? I taste terrible anyway, you know. Netherwood diets, hahaha! This is what I get for trying to be a good guy, huh?

W-what? Oh thank Go--I mean, heh, that's right! You'd better run!


...Hello Rifle Demon!

Their visual acuity is based on movement or something, right? Just have to remain completely still...

OH GOD THE PAIN


...Director...

The first star you see tonight... will be me...

[[Axel thinks he's being attacked by an entire pack of the first monster here, and much more threateningly one of the ones on the bottom here. 3% on his failed attempt to save Taro (from circumstances Axel put him in in the first place) and the faces and some dialogue of Adell, Rozalin, and the rest of their party.]]

Ha... ha... Axel, the Dark Hero... oh god I can't even get it to sparkle doesn't get sick this easily! Just because my beautiful date... accidentally locked me out of our suite all night at the party! I mean I decided to wait and... it wasn't that cold!

*a whole lot of coughing*

Totally not sick!

why me

The magic wishing rods aren't coming through on that film equipment...

You know what? The hell with them! Axel, the Dark Hero is a survivor! I can adapt!

If I can't make cinema in this rathole, I'll resort to theater! Plus, this way I can use the good old music department at school for resources!

Now.

Hmm...


...Where do I start?

[[Un-Private]]

Wait a minute... it's empty...


...

Yes! Hahaha! I don't know why, but Sam Steven Simon--who cares, I don't have to remember anymore--is gone again!

I'll miss my favorite dirty little roadie I guess, but HEY! Axel, the Dark Hero has a room to himself once again!

Why...


w w h h h h h h y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y


What did I do to deserve this... every day of my life?




[[Let's all play WHO KICKED AXEL'S ASS NOW! Hint: it was Yukimaru.]]

CALLING ALL LAWYERS!


I have two MADMEN to sue for all they're worth! The first suit is for malpractice. Some little non-famous healer came up and promised to use a magical healing sword on me, but it turned out to be a MAGICAL PAIN SWORD OF PAIN! This is total negligence, if not an intentional assassination attempt on AXEL, THE DARK HERO!


And then there's the wild tribesman who savaged me in the first place so I needed the Healer of Doom!






Also, can someone else heal me?

*recovered from jump off the building*

[[Filtered from Gumshoe]]

Look, if some kind of scruffy guy with a gun comes looking for my autograph or something. I. Uh. Died. Okay?

[[Private, fairly easily hackable]]

The Director... he was a real friend. My number one fan, but not one of those phonies that suck up to the big stars.

And... my family. Mom and, and, and and... okay, so I can't remember my little brothers' and sisters' names. Amnesia, right? I'm sure it'll come to me eventually. I wish I could call home...

You know what? The school here on Menemtenemenmentemementemo Island has serious discipline problems. My class has been terrible; perfect attendance here, studying regiment there, and don't even get me started on sleeping in class. Less than half the students are doing it! It may be loud in music class, but that's no excuse! The number of scores near 100 I see on every test is a sad sign. At least I'm passing that Tuna kid, though he gets Cs for showing up just a little too often, and my number two fan (hey, what was your name again?).

I think what the Mentemtmenenementenenmento Island educational system needs is a seminar. The delinquents who show up and pay attention can watch some kind of R-rated movie to help them learn better habits. Naturally, this movie should star me: Axel, the Dark Hero!

What's that you say? Isn't this island a horrible primitive wasteland with no showbusiness? HA! That's where you're wrong! I got a complimentary magical wish-granting rod--probably a present from a fan--and used it to wish for my own film equipment! Once the Mentemtenementeno Genie grants my wish, you'll all be treated to Axel, the Dark Hero movies once again!

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? I CAN'T STAND COUNTRY! AXEL, THE DARK HERO PLAYS HARDCORE NETHERWORLD GLAM ROCK!

Stupid Menemtnetemememetenementementento Island! You'll pay for screwing with my artistic integrity!


If I find a way other than Ding Dong Ditch... that lady's terrifying.